Rise Above it All: Forebear, Forgive, & Disregard
﷽
Islam is only a cure for us if and when we take the medicine and work to improve our hearts and character. It can be quite difficult and requires a level of self-awareness that is uncomfortable for most. Many of us (speaking specifically about US inner-cities), prior to Islam, lived hard and sometimes chaotic lives of raw, unfiltered tragedy and collective trauma, which oftentimes produces two contradictory results: (1.) a sense of camaraderie and common purpose, knowing the direness and highness of the stakes and that failure is not an option (after Allah we are all that each other have); (2.) finding much difficulty in trusting people or interpreting their words or behaviors charitably, as Muslims are obliged to. The first is one of our greatest assets and advantages while the second is one of greatest liabilities and detriments. We tend to be a people of paradox. Even many who lived more mundane lives experience a fair share of those two matters by merely living in a non-Muslim land.
Sadly, hurt people tend to hurt people, a vessel only gives what it holds, and assumptions about what others might be thinking or implicitly intending, no matter what they may actually say or do to the contrary, oftentimes become the playground of the devil, from which he isolates and alienates individuals and wreaks havoc on families and communities. Pre-Islamic mentalities and mind-sets seem to haunt many of us and obscure the bigger picture, shredding the fabric of community and brotherhood one tear at a time. These mentalities oftentimes make us our own worst enemies and the greatest obstacle to our collective growth.
Wise-restraint, thick skin, forgiving and ignoring perceived disrespect and flaws is the only option for maintaining sanity and survival. The Qur’an, the Sunnah, the statements of the Salaf, common sense, proper home-training and decent civility all exhort us to maintain composure, ignore and disengage toxic people.
Strangely enough, nothing bothers these sorts of people more than the quiet strength of an unbothered person. While ignoring and disregarding provocation for one’s own sanity and peace of mind, one’s intention must be to please Allah and put their trust in Him to sort matters out.
Fudhail b. ‘Iyādh said:
من عرف الناس استراح
“Whoever knows about the people finds rest.”
🔘 Shaykh al Islam Ibn Taymiyyah said:
يريد - والله أعلم - أنهم لا ينفعون ولا يضرون.”
“He means - and Allah knows best - that they neither benefit nor harm.”
💎Al-Hasan al Basri (رحمه الله) said,
ما استقصى كريم قط.
"A noble person never insists on exacting his full rights."
💎Amr ibn Uthman al-Makki ( رحمه الله) said,
"المروءة التغافل عن زلل الإخوان".
"True nobility is overlooking the faults of friends."
💎Al-Awza'i ( رحمه الله) said,
السلامة عشرة أجزاء؛ منها: تسعـة في التغافل.
"Well-being consists of ten parts; nine of them are in overlooking faults."
💎This is similarly reported from Imam Uthman ibn Zaidah, eliciting Imam Ahmad to respond,
العافية عشرة أجزاء كلها في التغافل
"Well-being consists of ten parts, all of them in overlooking faults."
💎Sufyan al-Thawri ( رحمه الله) said,
ما زال التغافل من فعل الكرام.
"Overlooking faults has always been the practice of the noble."
💎Al-A’mash ( رحمه الله) said,
"التغافل يطفئ شرًا كثيرًا"
"Overlooking faults extinguishes much evil."
💎Al-Shafi’i ( رحمه الله) said,
"الكيّس العاقل هو الفطن المتغافل"
"The intelligent and wise person is the one who pretends not to notice."
🔘 The poet said:
ليس الغبي بسيد في قومه *** لكن سيد قومه المتغابي
"The fool is not the leader of his people, but the leader of his people is the one who pretends to be a fool."
💎Aktham ibn Saifi ( رحمه الله) said:
مَنْ شَدَّدَ نَفَّرَ، وَمَنْ تَرَاخَى تَأَلَّفَ، وَالشَّرَفُ فِي التَّغَافُلِ،
"Whoever is strict repels others, and whoever is lenient wins their affection. Nobility lies in overlooking faults."
He also said,
السَّخَاءُ حُسْنُ الْفَطِنَةِ وَاللُّؤْمُ سُـوءُ التَّغَافُـلِ.
"Generosity is good perception, and meanness is poor perception of what should be overlooked."
🔘 Salahuddin al-Ṣafadī said in his Lāmiyah poem:
واستشعرِ الحِلمَ في كلِّ الأمورِ ولا * * * تُسرع ببادرةٍ يوماً إلى رجلِ
Embrace wise-restraint in all matters,
And never hastily lash out at anyone.
وإنْ بُليتَ بشخصٍ لاَ خَلاقَ لهُ * * * فكُنْ كأنَّكَ لمْ تسمعْ ولمْ يَقُلِ
If you are afflicted with a person who lacks goodness,
Act as if you did not hear him and he did not speak.
🔘 Ibn al-Azraq said about kingly manners in "Bada'i' al-Silk fi Taba'i' al-Mulk":
إِن من السخاء وَالْكَرم ترك التجني وَترك الْبَحْث عَن بَاطِن الغيوب والإمساك عَن ذكر الْعُيُوب كَمَا أَن من تَمام الْفَضَائِل الصفح عَن التوبيخ وإكرام الْكَرِيم والبشر فِي اللِّقَاء ورد التَّحِيَّة والتغافل عَن خطأ الْجَاهِل، من شدد نفر وَمن ترَاخى تألف
"Generosity and nobility include refraining from seeking revenge, abstaining from probing into hidden matters, refraining from mentioning faults, and part of perfect virtues is forgiving reproach, honoring the noble, showing a cheerful countenance, reciprocating greetings, and overlooking the mistakes of the ignorant. Strictness repels people, and leniency wins their affection."
The eminent scholar ‘Abd al-Rahman Al-Saadi (d. 1376 AH رحمه الله) said in "Al-Wasa'il Al-Mufida":
"ومن الأمور النافعة أن تعرف أن أذية الناس لك وخصوصًا في الأقوال السيئة، لا تضرك بل تضرهم، إلا إن أشغلت نفسك في الاهتمام بها، وسوغت لها أن تملك مشاعرك، فعند ذلك تضرك كما ضرتهم، فإن أنت لم تضع لها بالًا لم تضرك شيئًا".
"Among the beneficial matters is knowing that the harm people inflict upon you, especially through bad words, does not harm you but harms them, unless you preoccupy yourself with paying attention to it and allow it to dominate your feelings. In that case, it harms you as it harms them. If you do not pay attention to it, it will not harm you at all.
[Learning At an Early Age to Ignore Antagonizers & Provocation]
The Prophet’s (ﷺ) statement:
«إنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ فِي الْأَمْرِ كُلِّهِ:»
"Indeed, Allah loves gentleness in all matters"
Waliyyud-Dīn al ‘Irāqī (d. 826 AH رحمه الله) comments:
هُوَ مِنْ عَظِيمِ خُلُقِهِ - عَلَيْهِ الصَّلَاةُ وَالسَّلَامُ - وَكَمَالِ حِلْمِهِ
Is from the magnificent character of the Prophet (عليه الصلاة والسلام) and his perfect forbearance.
وَفِيهِ حَثٌّ عَلَى الرِّفْقِ وَالصَّبْرِ وَالْحِلْمِ وَمُلَاطَفَةِ النَّاسِ مَا لَمْ تَدْعُ حَاجَةٌ إلَى الْمُخَاشَنَةِ.
It encourages gentleness, patience, forbearance, and kindness towards people as long as there is no need for harshness.
وَفِيهِ اسْتِحْبَابُ تَغَافُلِ أَهْلِ الْفَضْلِ عَنْ سَفَهِ الْمُبْطِلِينَ إذَا لَمْ يَتَرَتَّبْ عَلَيْهِ مَفْسَدَةٌ
It also contains a recommendation that people of virtue overlook the foolishness of wrongdoers if no greater harm will result from it.
وَفِي التَّنْزِيلِ {وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ الْجَاهِلِينَ} [الأعراف: ١٩٩]
It says in the revelation (the Quran): {And turn away from the ignorant} [Al-A'raf: 199].
وَقَالَ الشَّافِعِيُّ - رَحِمَهُ اللَّهُ - الْكَيِّسُ الْعَاقِلُ هُوَ الْفَطِنُ الْمُتَغَافِلُ
Imam al-Shafi'i (رحمه الله) said: "The prudent, intelligent person is the shrewd one who overlooks."
وَمِنْ كَلَامِ بَعْضِهِمْ، عَظِّمُوا مَقَادِيرَكُمْ بِالتَّغَافُلِ
And some have said, "Enhance your status by ignoring [such matters]."
Waliyyud-Dīn al ‘Irāqī (رحمه الله) then comments:
وَهَذَا الْكَلَامُ مِمَّا كَانَ وَالِدِي - رَحِمَهُ اللَّهُ - يُؤَدِّبُنِي بِهِ فِي مَبْدَأِ شَبَابِي حِينَ يَرَى غَضَبِي مِنْ كَلِمَاتٍ تَرِدُ عَلَيَّ.
This was something my father (the great Hadīth scholar, al Hāfidh Zain al-Dīn al ‘Irāqī رحمه الله) used to teach me of manners at the beginning of my youth when he saw my anger at words directed towards me.”
[Tarh al-Tathrīb fī Sharh Taqrīb al Asānīd vol. 8, p. 111]
[“I wish I could be to my friends as he is to his enemies”]
— Inspiring Examples of Graciousness from the Life of Ibn Taymiyyah
1️⃣ Ibn al Qayyim (رحمه الله) says about having exceptional graciousness towards all people, friend or foe:
من أراد فهم هذه الدرجة-كما ينبغي-فلينظر إلى سيرة النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم مع الناس: يجدها هذه بعينها . ولم يكن كمال هذه الدرجة لأحد سواه , ثم للورثة منها بحسب سهامهم نت التركة .
“Whoever wants to understand this level, as it should be, should look at the biography of the Prophet (ﷺ) with the people. They will find it precisely like this. The perfection of this level was not for anyone other than him, then for his heirs according to their shares from the inheritance.
وما رأيت أحدا قط أجمع لهذه الخصال من شيخ الإسلام ابن تيمية - قدس الله روحه - وكان بعض أصحابه الأكابر يقول:
I have never seen anyone embody these qualities more than Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah (may Allah sanctify his soul). One of his prominent companions used to say:
وددت أني لأصحابي مثله لأعدائه وخصومه، وما رأيته يدعو على أحد منهم قط، وكان يدعو لهم.
"I wish I could be to my friends as he is to his enemies and opponents. I never saw him invoke Allah against any of them; rather, he would pray for them."
وجئت يوما مبشرا له بموت أكبر أعدائه، وأشدهم عداوة وأذى له، فنهرني وتنكر لي واسترجع،
One day, I came to him with the news of the death of one of his greatest enemies, the most hostile and harmful to him. He rebuked me, showed displeasure, and said “indeed we belong to Allah and shall return to Him.”
ثم قام من فوره إلى بيت أهله فعزاهم، وقال:
Then he immediately went to the house of the deceased’s family to offer his condolences, saying:
إني لكم مكانه، ولا يكون لكم أمر تحتاجون فيه إلى مساعدة إلا وساعدتكم فيه. ونحو هذا من الكلام.
"I am here in his place for you, and there will be no matter in which you need assistance except that I will help you in it."
فسروا به ودعوا له، وعظموا هذه الحال منه. فرحمه الله ورضي عنه".
They were pleased and prayed for him, and they greatly appreciated his gesture. May Allah have mercy on him and be pleased with him.“
2️⃣ Ibn Taymiyyah (رحمه الله) said about Ibn Makhlouf, who imprisoned him:
"وأنا والله مِن أعظم الناس معاونة على إطفاء كل شر فيها وفي غيرها، وإقامة كل خير،
"By Allah, I am among the greatest in helping extinguish all evil here and elsewhere and establishing all good.
وابن مخلوف لو عمل مهما عمل، والله ما أقدر على خير إلا وأعمله معه ولا أعين عليه عدوه قط، ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله،
Ibn Makhlouf, no matter what he does, by Allah, I will do any good I can with him and will never assist his enemy against him. There is no power and no strength except with Allah.
هذه نيتي وعزمي مع علمي بجميع الأمور فإني أعلم أن الشيطان ينزغ بين المؤمنين، ولن أكون عونًا للشيطان على إخواني المسلمين"
This is my intention and determination with full knowledge of all matters (pertinent to his imprisonment), for I know that Satan sows discord among the believers, and I will never be a helper to Satan against my Muslim brothers" (Majmoo’ al-Fataawa).
3️⃣ Ibn Taymiyyah (رحمه الله) used to say:
فلا أحب أن يُنتصر مِن أحدٍ بسبب كذبه علي أو ظلمه وعدوانه، فإني قد أحللت كل مسلم وأنا أحب الخير لكل المسلمين،
"I do not wish retribution be exacted against anyone for lying against me or for their injustice and aggression towards me, for I have absolved every Muslim, and I wish good for all Muslims.
وأريد بكل مؤمن من الخير ما أحبه لنفسي، والذين كذبوا وظلموا فهم في حلٍّ من جهتي".
I desire for every believer the good that I desire for myself. As for those who have lied and wronged me, they are forgiven on my part."
4️⃣ He (رحمه الله) also said:
"هذا وأنا في سعة صدر لمَن يخالفني فإنه وإن تعدى حدود الله فيّ بتكفير أو تفسيق أو افتراء أو عصبية جاهليه، فأنا لا أتعدى حدود الله فيه،
"I am at peace of heart towards those who oppose me. Even if they exceed the limits of Allah against me by declaring me a disbeliever, a sinner, or slandering me and treat me with fanatical barbarism, I do not exceed the limits of Allah against them.”